bluecastle | me. myself. and I.

Someone very recently asked me the following question -- “what do you want?” in response to my blathering about how my life is so far from what I would like it to be – or what I imagined it would be.

My 25 year high school class reunion was last night. I did not attend. My high school classmates, save just a couple of exceptions either actively loathed me, or were totally indifferent to my existence. So I opted not to go hang out with people who never took the time to get to know me when they had the chance. They stalked me on Facebook to announce the stupid thing, but none of them ever took the time to comment, or in any way indicate that they were interested in my life.

But it got me thinking anew about what I do want. It’s not like any of this is some kind of lighting bolt revelation… but I realized that maybe the thing I want the most is some more friends. Some chums. Some pals. People who actively seek you out to find out how you day was, or are interested enough in your life to participate in it on a regular basis.

I have like 2.5 real life friends. I have a fair number more of what I would call acquaintances – people who are friendly when they see me, or if we work on a play together or something, but who wouldn’t consider spending any actual time with me. Friend #1, my “best” friend is totally consumed with his life, which is to be fair crazy busy, but still. Friend #2 is the one I’ve known the longest, but the longer I know her, the less we seem to have in common. Sad, but increasingly true. Friend .5 is my director who I am getting to know better and better, so we’ll see where that goes. But again, a crazy busy person who even if she wanted to spend time with me can’t most days.

Real life example of how much my RL friends tend to suck… none of them remembered/acknowledged my birthday last year. Yeah. Nothing says loving like buying your own goddamn birthday cake. {Although then you can choose what flavor you want!}

But see, the thing is, I don’t think I know how to make friends. Or maybe I don’t know how to keep them. Who’s to say?? I’ve always been shy. I was an only child. I was teased mercilessly for most of my formative years, so trust isn’t exactly something I have a lot of. People scare me. And as much as you tell yourself that the problem is with other people, a lifetime of being either ignored or mocked leads down the path of labeling yourself WRONG.

UR DOING IT WRONG!

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG PEOPLE?

My parents always tell me I talk to much. That I butt in where I’m not wanted. So I apologize if all this is inappropriate, but …

GODDAMMIT I’M LONELY.

I hang around on-line in a great little corner of the TW fandom. If you’re reading this you’re probably in that corner with me, and I love you guys. You are uniformly interesting, passionate, funny, sweet, witty people. (If one can ever say UNIFORM around the TW peeps!) I see relationships like the kind I want … warm, supportive, chummy, teasing friendships and I wonder if I will ever have friends like that.

God, I don’t want to come across as some whiny little thing who sits in the corner and cries because the other kids won’t let her play with them. But I’ve been on the outside looking in my whole entire life, and I just need to say, with no ulterior motives, no agenda in any way… I am TIRED of feeling that way.

And it’s not like there’s any kind of magic solution to this. You can’t make people like you. You can’t magically conjure up friends. Friendships have to be built. I’m so grateful for the folks I’ve met on-line … it just seems like there could be more out there for me somewhere than what I’ve got today.

Is that greedy?

I feel like, well almost ashamed that I am asking the universe to send love my way, and sad that I have to wish for something like this, but there it is, whatever it is.

Anyway, that’s one thing I wish for today. If I get two more wishes I pick physical affection, and a job that is fulfilling … but until I turn up that magic lamp in the next antiques store I wander through, I’ll just have to learn to be patient.

God, talking about this is scary. I’m going to go hide under some blanket now, ‘kay?

Lots of love,

Me.