me. myself. and I.

[bluecastle]

Someone very recently asked me the following question -- “what do you want?” in response to my blathering about how my life is so far from what I would like it to be – or what I imagined it would be.

My 25 year high school class reunion was last night. I did not attend. My high school classmates, save just a couple of exceptions either actively loathed me, or were totally indifferent to my existence. So I opted not to go hang out with people who never took the time to get to know me when they had the chance. They stalked me on Facebook to announce the stupid thing, but none of them ever took the time to comment, or in any way indicate that they were interested in my life.

But it got me thinking anew about what I do want. It’s not like any of this is some kind of lighting bolt revelation… but I realized that maybe the thing I want the most is some more friends. Some chums. Some pals. People who actively seek you out to find out how you day was, or are interested enough in your life to participate in it on a regular basis.

 

I have like 2.5 real life friends. I have a fair number more of what I would call acquaintances – people who are friendly when they see me, or if we work on a play together or something, but who wouldn’t consider spending any actual time with me. Friend #1, my “best” friend is totally consumed with his life, which is to be fair crazy busy, but still. Friend #2 is the one I’ve known the longest, but the longer I know her, the less we seem to have in common. Sad, but increasingly true. Friend .5 is my director who I am getting to know better and better, so we’ll see where that goes. But again, a crazy busy person who even if she wanted to spend time with me can’t most days.

Real life example of how much my RL friends tend to suck… none of them remembered/acknowledged my birthday last year. Yeah. Nothing says loving like buying your own goddamn birthday cake. {Although then you can choose what flavor you want!}

But see, the thing is, I don’t think I know how to make friends. Or maybe I don’t know how to keep them. Who’s to say?? I’ve always been shy. I was an only child. I was teased mercilessly for most of my formative years, so trust isn’t exactly something I have a lot of. People scare me. And as much as you tell yourself that the problem is with other people, a lifetime of being either ignored or mocked leads down the path of labeling yourself WRONG.

UR DOING IT WRONG!

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG PEOPLE?

My parents always tell me I talk to much. That I butt in where I’m not wanted. So I apologize if all this is inappropriate, but …

GODDAMMIT I’M LONELY.

I hang around on-line in a great little corner of the TW fandom. If you’re reading this you’re probably in that corner with me, and I love you guys. You are uniformly interesting, passionate, funny, sweet, witty people. (If one can ever say UNIFORM around the TW peeps!) I see relationships like the kind I want … warm, supportive, chummy, teasing friendships and I wonder if I will ever have friends like that.

God, I don’t want to come across as some whiny little thing who sits in the corner and cries because the other kids won’t let her play with them. But I’ve been on the outside looking in my whole entire life, and I just need to say, with no ulterior motives, no agenda in any way… I am TIRED of feeling that way.

And it’s not like there’s any kind of magic solution to this. You can’t make people like you. You can’t magically conjure up friends. Friendships have to be built. I’m so grateful for the folks I’ve met on-line … it just seems like there could be more out there for me somewhere than what I’ve got today.

Is that greedy?

I feel like, well almost ashamed that I am asking the universe to send love my way, and sad that I have to wish for something like this, but there it is, whatever it is.

Anyway, that’s one thing I wish for today. If I get two more wishes I pick physical affection, and a job that is fulfilling … but until I turn up that magic lamp in the next antiques store I wander through, I’ll just have to learn to be patient.

God, talking about this is scary. I’m going to go hide under some blanket now, ‘kay?

Lots of love,

Me.

Comments

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

The way you describe your high school experience -- that could be me. I had a group of "friends" who seemed to enjoy my presence so that they had someone to laugh at or hate on when the mood took them, but I never had the feeling that they liked me for me.

I think the only reason things turned out differently for me is the internet. When I was 17, my family went online, and I had my first experience of total social acceptance on a message board devoted to the discussion of fantasy novels. It totally blew me away that people actually WANTED me there. And I think it's ONLY because of that experience that I was then able to make friends when I went to university the next year -- I really don't think I would have had the social skills or the confidence otherwise, let alone the trust.

Anyway, I can totally understand the lonliness, even though I've been lucky enough not to be in that situation for a while. And I firmly believe that internet friends are no less "real" than offline friends, even though it can be hard when you can't arrange to meet for coffee, or have someone to physically give you a hug.

I hope you feel better soon.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

thank you.

navigating on-line friendships is an interesting thing. most days I feel like people I never met are closer to me than the friends I could actually see! :0)

HUGS

[stuffphile.livejournal.com]

We don't know each other, do we? Yet it seems like we should, because it sounds like we live with very similar situations and feelings, and even backgrounds as well.

Anyway, although I'd like it if there was some real way I could help, I don't think there is, but I just wanted to say that I don't see any reason you should be ashamed of the feelings that lead you to post this. It isn't selfish to want not to be lonely, and there can be real barriers that prevent easily making friends. If you haven't, perhaps you might think about looking into any social anxiety support groups in your area.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

I have a feel a lot of us share some degree of alienation. thanks so much for your comment. that alone DOES help.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

I have the same problem. My best friend in real life is my sister, the one closest to my age (there are three of us, and two brothers). Outside the family there's really only one, maybe two people I talk to here. I'm also terrified of a vast number of silly things because I'm scared of doing anything wrong. Even when I do find myself in a group of friends online I tend to assume that most of them like each other a bit more than they like me. I suspect loneliness is one of the most widespread epidemics of the Western world. I also think that the packed in crush of city living is in some way connected to the rise of mental illness over the last couple of hundred years. (If you overcrowd rats, they go crazy. trufax. Aggression and depression both seem to skyrocket.)

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

god how I hate that word WRONG. *HUGS*

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

I was an only child too, and I think what helped me my parents' habit of moving a lot, so I figured out I would always be the new kid with no friends if I didn't make friends first. It made me kind of fearless. Plus, I figured if I made an ass of myself, in a year we'd move anyway.

Lately, it's the same way for me, too. We don't do a lot of things with other people in RL. It used to be me nagging my husband to throw a party or bring his work friends over for dinner, but since I became more involved in fandom/on LJ, I think I really prefer online interaction. It's sort of selfish, but in a way, it's great... you can have conversations without both being THERE at the same time (in your pajamas!) for one thing, and for another, you can beg off to go and read if you don't feel like chatting on twitter right now or something. That's harder to do in person. I can be outgoing, but sometimes I'm really a hermit, deep-down. It's kind of weird. It is very possible my RL skills are atrophying after all of this time spent online.

*hugs*

You do not "talk too much", either.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

yeah. we moved when I was 9 or 10 and I never really figured out how to deal with a whole new school full of kids, I guess. I'm still working on finding 'fearless.'

still trying to figure out this on-line thing ... still sometimes feels like I'm butting into conversations I don't have any right to be part of... but that's just leftover from my 'don't speak until spoken to' kind of experiences.

anyway... THANK YOU for the comment. *HUGS*

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

I'm not totally fearless, of course. And sometimes it feels like other people are having more fun or whatever. I totally get that. (Like all of the fun people are going to have at Hub 3. Without usssssssss!)

And nahhhh, don't worry about butting in anywhere. I think most conversations are pretty much a free-for-all. :) It's very self-aware for you to recognise where this impression you have about this comes from, though. Our experiences as kids and in school do shape how we interact later, and how we imagine we're perceived, in so many ways.

If we were in the same town, I'd take you out for antiquing and coffees on Saturday. And cake!

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

you're sweet! and everything's always better with cake :0)

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetheart! I wrap you in warm flannel blanket from afar! You're a lovely person. You're not alone in experiencing a bit of awkwardness in trying to make new friends. I wish I could send a gaggle of cool people to your home. Or live nearby myself! Though I am not cool, but rather geeky. Know that you have friends who like hanging out w/ you, here on the interwebz.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3

and hey, from where I sit, geeky IS cool!

*hugs*

[verasteine.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey! I recognise this to some degree, and I know how hard it is. So you are certainly not alone. And if you want, my email is open to you, and we can be penpals.

That said, if this is a problem for you, maybe you should consider seeing someone about it. If you want, because you by no means have to. ::hugs:: Hope you feel better soon!

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* for the *hugs* sweetie. great to start the day with one! I said TW peeps were the best!

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

I think it's really, really easy to feel -- both online and in RL -- that the action is happening without us, that we aren't really contributing to it or getting much of a response. Give and take doesn't always come easily. But hey, gotta sow a lotta seeds to get anything to bloom, right? (If you'll forgive the metaphor.)

Speaking for myself, I'm glad you're here, even if you don't hear that from me often enough; also speaking for myself, I am PAINFULLY shy, and sometimes cover that up with random chatter, because I was brought up NOT to ask people personal questions about themselves and that early conditioning is terribly hard to overcome. (It was also accompanied by lots of teasing, so hear you on that score, too.) It's hard for me to even comment on personal posts. But I'd like to think I'm learning new things about sociability by being here. Hope it will work that way for you, too, if you keep hanging around.

I'll echo what Vera said -- feel free to write me off-blog, anytime; I'm always glad to hear from you.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

it's that sweet you are. *hugs*

and yeah, I totally get that not asking people questions thing. I got that all the time growing up. I used to work with someone who used to be a journalist. EEP. The questions never failed to amaze me! :0)

thanks love.