bluecastle: (Default)
Hello Friday. 

What's my name again? 

Seriously still not sleeping. But at least there was rehearsal last night, and free pizza, and way more innuendo than you'd think concerning the making of butter in little plastic containers. [sudden flashback to Kate and Leo and Hugh Jackman saying "fresh creamery butter." LOL]

Chaos reigned, and whatnot, but I have a dress, and a speech -- words mostly by Mark Twain -- and can now commence FREAKING THE FUCK OUT about having to be by myself tomorrow between 1 and 4 at the town's coffee shop being Miss Marmalade and running a schoolroom for the kiddos. Who get to play with letter stamps and make little fake horn books. Meanwhile I have to be charming and entertaining and in character the whole time. Oh and at least a little edumacational. Without a script! Like I have to MAKE STUFF UP!

I do not always do so well w/o a script. So I am trying not to think too much about it as that will just keep the freak out flag flying! 

Hopefully it'll be a good day. We have a music lesson at the local town museum. Readings by "Emily Dickinson" and "Louisa May Alcott" at the town library, jackstones and yoyo lessons at the town toy store, games in the park, and then after the banjo performer and the barbershop quartet, we have our finale Traveling Medicine Show in the park with the sack race finals, and then we can all collapse!

Hey, that actually sounds like fun :)

Now to figure out how to introduce the horn book craft, and come up with some filler activities like a spelling bee (words needed) and some stuff like deportment lessons and things.

The trickiest bit about doing public theater like this is keeping things going while people just wander in and out. It's got to be coherent, but its also got to be able to be on something of a repeating loop without getting too boring.


Please pass Miss Marmalade some smelling salts. (Where's Hathaway ... he keeps 'em in his suit pocket... ;)

(oh, and the guy playing Professor Bigler, the patent medicine man, does a short excerpt from ACDs The Red Headed League, but does Watson's voice as cockney and I CANNOT keep a straight face. Oh dear god no Watson has ever sounded LIKE THAT. hee)
bluecastle: (Default)
Did I wait until I was 44 to write bad teenage emo poetry? Ah well, so be it.

Summer Sadness

Just after 10 the snapping and crackling began
As I lay slumbering on the sofa.
So up I got, and put on some shoes
And out to the end of my driveway I went.
In the dark
Lit only by the sparkle of fireworks in the distance
I tried,
But found myself
Unable to truly enjoy
This small town rite
Of light and magic.
bluecastle: (Default)
Once upon a time Neil Patrick Harris was on Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Playing Jeffrey Dahmer. And he killed (and snacked on) girls because he was LOOOONELY. And Goren bought him chili, and then later made him cry.

Given that I am currently in some bi-polar mood swing between super lonely and super stabbity, I keep thinking of this episode.

Wow. How is this my Monday? Am applying poptarts and diet pepsi, and hoping for the best.
bluecastle: (suckage)
Yknow I really really hate how insecure I am. One errant thought about this or that, and suddenly all I can do is sit here and mope about how no one loves me. Clearly this is not the truth, but it always FEELS true. (stupid feelings!)


I hate that I have to police myself constantly, because one bad thought will wreck my day.
I hate that I seem to be wired to put a negative spin on every thought.

I don't tend to think about myself as a glass-half-empty person, but when I really look at my thoughts, I so am.

It's hard to change a lifetime of conditioning, y'see. And being sabotaged by my own brain. And feeling guilty for feeling bad when my life is not so bad as all that ... suckage, get thee behind me!

Must pull myself out of this funk tho before tonight. It's going to be an awesome night of TV ... Peter goes on the lam... and Auggie gets to kick some ass in the field ... and there is kissing! :D Hey, Ausiello called the clip "free porn" so that's good enough for me!

Someone wanna come over with popcorn?! ;0)
bluecastle: (tear on spoilers book)
What the hell people... who went and stole my good mood.Got to work more or less on time ... have a great parking space... the weather is not oppressive... I bought a poptart for breakfast ...

All good things. But then mid-morning my mood crashed, and the black thoughts are now flying around my brain like so many fruit bats (too much Primeval lately, maybe?) and I start feeling like no one wants to come out and play with me, that I am not enough, and not worthy and BLECH ----  ZAP goes my mood.

And I KNOW its false. I know this is not rational. The BFF emails me to remind me we're going out tonight "and then there will be waffles." So its not like all this is based on any ACTUAL thing. It's just my brain picking on me. I hate bullies.

So here I am with my metaphorical/metaphysical broom trying to chase the bats out of my bellfry.

I hate feeling like this. Dear Brain. BACK UP OFFA MY GOOD MOOD!!!! It's a three day weekend, and I'd rather not spend it like last weekend, curled up on the couch in my pj's all day and feeling like crap.


I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. From the land of "This too shall pass..."
bluecastle: (Default)
YAY me. Did my daily blathering over on and have won back my turkey badge for writing three days in a row. I had gotten up to "flamingo" for a ten day streak, but lost a couple of days over the weekend, so I am starting from scratch again. Mostly just been brain-dumping daily diary entries as I attempt to make writing a daily habit. And I've cranked out some extra fic along with it, so something in the ether is working...

Had a pretty solid show last night. A couple technical bobbles. The sound designer/board op is off at a wedding for two days, so one of our two backstage kids has been conscripted to the booth. Which means we're one dresser down, and the pivotal explosion sequence got all screwed up last night. Director is gone, and there's no one to yell at the stage manager, so...

I haven't yet beaten the girl who plays the boy to the theater. When I got there last night she was finishing up her history homework, and then moved on to practicing her flute in the dressing room. School hasn't quite ended around here, depending on which school you attend, so there's lots of homework going on in the corners. One of the backstage kids was working on her geometry homework which excited the BFF no end.

Which is a sort of a segue to the sucky part of last night. BFF's ex-girlfriend came, with a bunch of other teachers I THINK. Not really sure as I give her, and by extension their colleagues a wide berth. Velcro girl is totally stuck on the BFF. They broke up, what... last summer ... but they teach in nearly adjacent rooms and vacation together, and party together and ...

Frankly jealous as hell on a couple levels, but mostly that she gets to see him every day, and I just get the spare moments of his life. And since he claims never to HAVE any spare moments...

More than a bit of tension there, yes? So when she came backstage to wait while he changed out of his costume, I got the hell out of there. Even if I didn't hate her for screwing with his head for a couple of years ... she's an emotional leech, and gives me the heebie jeebies on some instinctive level.


Tonight's trauma will be enacted when my parents come to see the show and then they will pick it and me apart afterwords. Whatever.

Such is the state of my day.
bluecastle: (Default)
Had a sudden rehearsal-free weekend, and sort of fell off the earth. Aided by a Saturday spent in headache hell.

There was rehearsal Saturday, I just wasn't required to be there.

We were supposed to have Sunday rehearsal, but it ended up getting canceled. I do not really know the trufax, man... but from what I overheard this may come down to the fact that the 12 Angry Men set is NAILED TO THE FLOOR.

We're the first show to have to rehearse off-site ... and we can't rehearse at the church on Sundays ... and so "someone" blithely said "oh, we can rehearse at the theater on the weekend afternoons."

I'm guessing that "someone" didn't check with the scenic persons to make sure that they wouldn't do something boneheaded like NAIL THE SET DOWN. :D

Communication man. We hazzent got it.

But whatever. I'm far more freaked out by the fact that I have until Friday to memorize two monologues for that 'Evening of ME' that Director Cee is having. Officially it's the Spring Studio Showcase at the local coffee shop. Four monologues and a scene with me and my scene partner-in-crime.

I did the monologues for the first time Friday night and Cee gave me some tips ... but it wasn't like we actually worked on them or anything.

The BFF better be prepared to spend a few minutes every night this week listening to me while we're at the summer thing rehearsal, 'cause otherwise I'm doomed. DOOMED I SAY.

Who me freaking out? NAH. PSHAW.

bluecastle: (feeling snappy multiform)
-- payday!
-- the last day of classes for this semester
-- Friday
-- another headache day. (send prOn for grate distractionz)
-- cake day at work for a departing coworker.
-- the day some of the NY acting contingent gets into town.
-- full of annoying coworkers doing useful but still annoying things.

was hoping for an nice quiet day ... but work is getting in the way of that. that cake and ice cream better be worth it.


Tomorrow will be a blur of getting the townwide theatrical set up. Will hopefully have time to take some pictures. It's supposed to be a pretty nice day weather wise, so keep your fingers crossed we don't have a repeat of the soggy Shakespeare day. (Director Cee is still struggling to rehab her knee after the surgery necessitated by that day).

Am also in one of those moods where I'm craving TOUCH. I go weeks where I don't feel the touch of another's hand, and sometimes that emptiness gets a bit overwhelming...

so that's me, nutshell wise.
bluecastle: (Default)
Okay, so I don't want a repeat of yesterday any time soon. Pain. So much pain and unpleasantness. And another Monday spent under the covers. I am tired of these lost days when I can do nothing other than lay there and hope to die soon. Plus, I do not think my cat likes it when I take "his" bed away from him!

Also, my stomach seems not to be able to handle OTC painkillers any more. The pills just make me queasy on top of the pain.

Did manage to white knuckle it over and pick up my script on the way home. Skimmed it last night. I still think the show is kind of ridiculous ... but I have a couple good scenes, so who I am to complain. Now to dig out the highlighter and go to town.

Poking at my big_ass_fic a bit. I should be WRITING and not just poking, but I'm still in the formulating stage. (this is what I'm telling myself anyway!)

Also on the writing front -- I posed this question to Twitter a couple times over the weekend and didn't get any response. So I'll put it out here and see what happens. Wondering if I should have/be posting my dark_fest fic to other comms. Would like feedback on it since I was unable to find anyone to beta it for me. I don't know that the usual comms would be the most productive for that, given the subject matter, so .... anyone have any suggestions for smaller comms I might not know about/be thinking of?

Okay... off to see what I missed yesterday ...
bluecastle: (Default)
Argh. Having one of those days where I can't seem to get motivated to do much of anything. My car is in for inspection. I'm overdrawn at the bank. I'm having trouble memorizing lines. I get followed of Twitter by some called Apostrophe Abusers. Damn Twitter. I know I have trouble with possessives sometimes, but cut a girl some slack, k?

I am glad it's Friday, but until I hear back from the garage about the state of my car, it's not going to feel like a good day.

eta: Hooray!! Car is done and it didn't need anything except the standard inspection/emission/oil change junk. come on over to my place tonight the cider is on me :)

In theater news, I can pick up my script for the summer show on Monday. Class went OK last night, but I really do need to get those damn lines in my brain. We have a week to get ready for the Spring Journey ... so other than iron my medieval gown and shift ... I just need to gather up ideas for the craft I'm overseeing on the day -- having the kids make their own "favors" with fabric markers and muslin to bestow upon their favored knight. Gotta dig up some common medieval graphics etc to give the kids some ideas about what to put on their little square of cloth. I wonder if I still have my research from that production of Camelot a bazillion years ago.

Or can I just watch a lot of Merlin and take notes? LOL.
bluecastle: (Default)

Am exhausted this week for various hormonally induced reasons.

Cannot get my brain to focus. It's just whirling around like those crazy flocks of birds who wheel around and keep landing on power lines.

So ... here are some THINGS for that WIP MEME...

Pillow talk with Jack was pretty much like any other talk with Jack, just with fewer clothes. There were the same proportion of "Did I ever tell you about the time..." conversations. Mostly, Ianto was content to let Jack ramble on, but sometimes he liked to get his own back.
So when Jack started with "There was this one time when..." Ianto interrupted him.
"Owen and I went Weevil Hunting one night while you were gone."
Jack rolled onto his side, propped his head up on one hand, and ran his other hand up Ianto's neck.
"Really? Was that Weevil Hunting, or WEEVIL Hunting?"
Ianto rolled onto his back, and put his hands behind his head.
"And then we had a fight about it. Well, to be fair he was pretty drunk at the time."

"Easy, easy there Ianto," Jack said, laying his hands on his shoulders.
Ianto was suddenly flushed, his laughter turning to big gulping gasps for air.
"Can't ... I can't..."
"Shhh," Jack said, smoothing the hair on the back of Ianto's head.
"Pocket..." Ianto gasped, pointing at his jacket that was hanging on the back of Toshiko's chair. "...Watch..." he managed to get out at last.

Captain Harkness knelt, cobblestones digging into his knees as he held his dead mistress in his arms.

It was late at night, and he could hear the water from the fountain in the square splashing in the background, as his pulse thundered in his ears. Cooper, the housekeeper, stood looking down at them, her eyes wide.


Mar. 1st, 2010 10:13 am
bluecastle: (Default)
So here it is Monday morning and it feels like I fell off a cliff, or have been in a coma or something.

Some of it was being in some angsty headspace wherein I despair that I am not allowed to come out and play with the cool kids ... but that's twisty and complicated and not for a Monday morning.

Spent my self-imposed snow day Friday getting my house all ready for some pals to come over and watch stupid movies. I had gotten a lot of "maybes" in response to my invite, so I was pretty sure there were only going to be a couple of us... but there were five of us there to watch GDL's Sherlock/Cyberman/Why the hell didn't anyone tell me there were tentacles?! HORROR-LARITY. Hello plot holes. We spent the whole movie going "why didn't the dinosaur eat the prostitute?" no really... we want to know. Actually, we really just want to know why no one in 1882 seems surprised to see dinosaurs wandering around London. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH. Also random peacock? LOL.

Then. We had a pile of about six movies to watch, but after we ate, and two of the five of us left for other places they had to be, it was just me, and director Cee and our actor friend Julia.

We sat and talked for the next seven hours!!!!!! We never even got to another movie.

And I don't even know what we talked about. This and that and nothing terribly earth shattering.

I wore out eventually. Physically and mentally. My throat is still sore. And I sort of gave up talking eventually as they were happy to chat between themselves. See, I don't talk to anyone routinely. I talk to my mother for between 10 and 15 minutes a day. And random "Hi, how're you?" chat with co-workers." Other than that... I dont' see people, I don't talk to them.

So when confronted with 7 hours of discussion, I think my brain shut down.

And then Sunday I woke up with a terrible headache, was sick all day, and then had to drag myself to my parents for sunday dinner and more or less pretend I was fine. I did end up feeling almost human by the time I left there, but was still pretty fragile all evening. I don't know where these sick headaches are coming from or why I am so queasy suddenly.

So Sunday I didn't even look at the internets all day.

So now I have catching up to do. Seems like I am always behind.

And now I have to go rush catalog some stupid DVD that someone suddenly has to have today.

Welcome Monday. You're already kicking my ass...
bluecastle: (Default)
So the crap mood seems to stem in part from hormonal causes. This may also be party responsible for why I'm eating cookies for breakfast!

The students are off today... the banks and the post office are closed... but still we worker bees have to be here plodding away.

Avatar was an experience. My first 3D film, and it was actually pretty cool. The theater was PACKED tho. I'm used to seeing films with like 8 other people. And the chatting with strangers thing was okay up through the eating of pizzas afterwards. Once the pizza was eaten tho, we all sort of ran out of conversation, and then it got a bit awkward.

ETA: I forgot the best part of the story. Apparently in some alternate universe version of my life, I am my friend's wife. She got a bill from the hospital recently addressed to her at her place of residence, but the name on it was {my first name and middle initial} {her last name}. Ergo... I am my friends spouse.

Also I put my foot in it at dinner when I was chatting across the table to my friend about how dead sexy Martha was in End of Time ... forgetting that my friend's friend sitting next to her was called Martha. So for about 10 seconds she thought I was talking about and how sexy she was. LOL.

So I came home and watched a thing called "Collision" that ran on the BBC in the UK and was part of the Masterpiece Contemporary series on PBS (Intro'd by an uberdramatic David Tennant). In some ways the UK version of "Crash." Six car pileup on the A12 and the policeman with the most manpain has to sift through it all. The six interwoven stories were kind of interestingly put together, even if most of them were fairly formulaic. I did get a bit of a laugh out of the fact the one of the 2 fatalities in the crash was played by the same girl who plays Annie on "Being Human." What is it with her and dying?!

I mainlined all of "Being Human" series one last week. I could get it off Itunes which sped up the dld'ing process a bit. Also dug around and found what I think is a link to the pilot, which I'll check out when I get home tonight.  And now the hunt for S02E02. I know where it is, if I need to get it I can.

I spend my days dealing with video copyright issues. I wish there was quick and easy legal access to some of this stuff. *shrugs*

Okay... coffee is ready... and enough of my blathering for now on this soggy, gloomy day...
bluecastle: (Default)
GRRR. am in one of those moods where I hate my life... I hate myself ... and I hate everyone I know just a little bit.

and I hate these moods... and I hate that I have them.


mama's ... don't let your babies grow up with no self worth. it ain't pretty.

hopefully tomorrow with its liberal application of chinese food for dinner will be a better day.

yeah. don't mind me. I'll be the one in the corner ... on the tuffet ... sulking.

*rolls eyes and attempts to get over self*
bluecastle: (Default)
So I'm seeing Avatar this afternoon with some friends. So of course the first question I ask myself (the first question I ALWAYS ask myself...) WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?

The second question that I ask myself doesn't surprise me, because I have looked into my brain ... is WAIT, WHY DO THEY WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE WITH _ME_???

You know that old Groucho joke about not wanting to be part of any club that wants him as a member? Something like that always goes on in my brain.

Given my life experiences ... I just don't trust anyone. I always end up asking myself, WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME?

Because clearly, the pleasure of my company is not sufficient reason for anyone to go out of their way to invite me to whatever it is. gah.

And this makes me sad.

My actress/seamstress friend is lovely. Her physics geek BF (with the unfortunate moniker BJ) is lovely. But then my brain whirrs around and starts to doubt why they would seek ME out to spend an afternoon with. Actually I don't know that there won't be other people there, it's just only been my name on the texts, or emails I've gotten about this.

I hate that I'm like this. I'll show up and it will all be fine (I hope) but God... I hate that my life has given me this level of damage.
bluecastle: (Default)
am moving through the cold symptoms in pretty good order here... sore throat, swollen glands, stuffed head ... followed by snuffly head and coughing. As long as this shit doesn't linger and decide to take up residence in my lungs, maybe this won't be too bad. *remains hopeful*

I have, however, moved into the stage of the cold where I am tired of feeling like a leper and would just really like a good cuddle...

maybe that's what I should have asked Santa for ... come cuddling :D

Was exhausted when I got home last night, which meant I didn't get anything done on my Yuletide story. Must start getting some words down. I have a vague idea, and a character or two... but they need to come out of my head.

It's finals week here at the Big University. Many stressed students coming through our doors trying to finish up video projects. Or crying because they lost a $1000 camera. Meanwhile I am plugging away trying to process the new stuff professors want when we came back on January 4th.

On the plus side.... I finished constructing my cards headed out to the TW peeps (with some assistance and supervision from mah cat). Must still write in them, and package them up, and stamp them, and send them out. Hopefully missives from the little blue castle will go on their way by the weekend...

Off to take my hourly dose of vitamin C. C U Later. :D
bluecastle: (Default)
so I was swallowed whole by theater... and got a cold for my troubles.

actually feeling ok at the moment, but that's probably the drugs. a while ago there was much shivering and the appearance of the blanket burrito.

am trying to catch up with the flisties... and hoping for dragon themed dreams as I have to write my Yuletide fic in the next couple days.

So while I am off reading (or like sleeping), I leave you with my new (first) sort-of-a headshot. It's eerily similar to my senior portrait. taken by one of my fellow castmates. I wish it did not look like someone took a pie server to my bangs....
pix or it's not me... )


Dec. 3rd, 2009 01:41 pm
bluecastle: (keep calm and carry on)
It's not particularly surprising that theater is eating my life. It tends to do.

It's just we've been starting rehearsals at 6pm and I work until 5:30, so there's a rush to get from one place to the other. And it's a very physical show, so I'm beat by the time we get done. So while it's nice to get home "early" -- usually around 9 pm -- I'm usually so beat I can't find the energy to do much but sit on the still musty new/old couch and watch reruns of Criminal Minds!

So the holiday cards might be more like New Years Cards (although hopefully not)...

So the Reel fic'll get done ... but it might just be an expanded scene which'll satisfy the theme and the word count but will be "finished" later. It's funny ... the one scene in decent shape was supposed to be a filler scene, but before I knew it, it was over 1,000 words and had sort of taken over. Damn Jack and his big personality! But bonus drunk Ianto, so... :D

So what with home reno, and lines to be memorized, and a lack of food and sleep ... you may not see too much of me here on the interwebs for the next week or so.

We open a week from tomorrow ... and tomorrow is our last day in the performance space before we open. It's pacing, pacing, pacing at this point. *clapping hands* come on people... remember... "louder, faster, funnier..."

Plus somehow I've got to get something down on paper for my Yuletide fic. It's a world with dragons. What's not to love about that?

Whee......... it's my turn to be invisible for a bit...
bluecastle: (keep calm and carry on)
...especially while in the middle of a reno when the house is an absolute tip, AND under assault by some particularly cagy mice in mah kitchen... do NOT ... and I stress this... DO NOT watch Hoarders right before trying to go to bed.

Jesus people I was up all damn night. I couldn't get this poor lady out of my head. They took (as I recall) 8,000 pounds -- yes, EIGHT THOUSAND POUNDS -- of trash out of her house. And I really couldn't get those poor dead flat cats out of my head.

(I'm sorry if I put that horror in your heads. I don't want it in mine either.)

So changing the subject to something shiny ...

Before all this, earlier in the evening, I set up my December scrapping/journaling station. I am taking what is loosely termed a "class" but is in reality a series of prompts to journal your Christmas. I think I mostly don't do enough to celebrate the good in my life, so I'm going to try to do a little scrappy page or two a day. I have all the raw materials laid out on my work table ... and if I can get to them -- the cat likes to lay on top of whatever I'm trying to craft -- I'm hoping to have a lovely little album when the 12th day of Christmas rolls around.

Am also gifting myself with another on-line craft class where we're going to learn to make the most wonderful journals out of scrap papers. It's going to be BRILLIANT.

Rehearsal tonight in the performance space. Feel very nostalgic. It's the auditorium where I did my first community theater shows o lo these many years ago. I bet it hasn't changed much. We''ll see. It'll give me a great entry for my Christmas book at any rate!
bluecastle: (Default)

Have returned home from my parent's house FULL of Thanksgiving food. As usual, dinner was dispatched in about 21.5 minutes flat. This is not difficult when there are only three of us, and we don't have ALL that much to talk about when we're not busy stuffing our fat faces with, well, stuffing.

Certainly not as exciting as the Thanksgiving I spent with the drag queens where we trussed up the turkey with the underwire out of a bra since no one could find those little metal turkey spikes.


Am now going to see if I can convince myself to put in some time here at the computer WRITING. I would much rather pass out on the couch. Thank goodness for that caffeinated, if dreadful coffee we had with our pumpkin pie.


bluecastle: (Default)

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