(no subject)

[bluecastle]

Wandering around the internet today trying to get back in the groove of sitting at a desk from 8:30 to 5:30 and I came across a random blog comment which was something like "I just want to think what I think and feel what I feel, and not have to justify it to anyone" and a lightbulb went off in terms of why there are times I don't want to tell my mom about things I go and do. Stupid stuff, like she doesn't know there's a Movie Monday (Skyfall tonight I hope!) or random trips to a bookstore or to get food or something. Its not STUFF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ... its just stuff. That I don't want to talk about. And that word "justify" really twigged something in my brain. Its because I don't want to have to explain what I'm doing and deal with the potential judgement for just doing something just because I feel like it. 

I love Movie Monday's ... aside from some vague I have left my house halp now what do I do feelings ... and am thinking about expanding this practice somehow next year. A night at the movies, and then maybe a night out eating and reading by myself. ITS ANARCHY HOW DARE I? I joke about needed to date myself, but it feels right. Or feels interesting enough to pursue at least. So I'm mulling it over. Planning possible adventures. Also knowing I need to come to grips with how messy my house is. I think I'm rushing the plans for next year, but it doesn't hurt to think about things. I think?!

Thankfully, its only a three day week. And there will be masses of turkey and stuffing and pie ... now if the goddam cat will stop waking me up at 2 am and 6 am gnawing on my hair ... 

Comments

[carolyn-claire.livejournal.com]

Some of us do have a really hard time letting go. We've been responsible for our children for so long, it can be really hard to give up that pattern of thinking. With parenting responsibility comes worry, though; once we go through the process of accepting our children as adults and their fates not being in our hands anymore, we actually start worrying less. She doesn't know it yet, but undergoing that process will be as good for her as it is for you. Anxiety really does decreased with the perceived decrease in responsibility, once we truly allow it to happen. Some of us require more help going into it, through our kids insisting on their own competence and independence, than others do, though. My (almost) son-in-law has had a heck of a time with his own mother; she guilt-trips him like crazy, and then my daughter and I have to talk him down. She's finally getting a clue and getting better about it, though. Part of the problem can be not having any real, substantive interests of our own after the kids are gone and having to confront that. It's a tough process, but a healthy one, and something that has to happen. So, yeah, go ahead and upset Mother, when you feel the need. It's okay, and it doesn't make you a bad daughter, at all.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

It's a lovely thought, and probably the better way to be of course, but I doubt either of us has the energy to deal with the ensuing panic attacks (her) and the ensuing guilt (me)!

But it's something to work towards ... possibly. with wee wee tiny baby steps!