(no subject)

[bluecastle]

Wandering around the internet today trying to get back in the groove of sitting at a desk from 8:30 to 5:30 and I came across a random blog comment which was something like "I just want to think what I think and feel what I feel, and not have to justify it to anyone" and a lightbulb went off in terms of why there are times I don't want to tell my mom about things I go and do. Stupid stuff, like she doesn't know there's a Movie Monday (Skyfall tonight I hope!) or random trips to a bookstore or to get food or something. Its not STUFF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ... its just stuff. That I don't want to talk about. And that word "justify" really twigged something in my brain. Its because I don't want to have to explain what I'm doing and deal with the potential judgement for just doing something just because I feel like it. 

I love Movie Monday's ... aside from some vague I have left my house halp now what do I do feelings ... and am thinking about expanding this practice somehow next year. A night at the movies, and then maybe a night out eating and reading by myself. ITS ANARCHY HOW DARE I? I joke about needed to date myself, but it feels right. Or feels interesting enough to pursue at least. So I'm mulling it over. Planning possible adventures. Also knowing I need to come to grips with how messy my house is. I think I'm rushing the plans for next year, but it doesn't hurt to think about things. I think?!

Thankfully, its only a three day week. And there will be masses of turkey and stuffing and pie ... now if the goddam cat will stop waking me up at 2 am and 6 am gnawing on my hair ... 

Comments

[carolyn-claire.livejournal.com]

Why would you tell her about doing those things, at all? Beyond just a random-chatting-about-various-things-that-happened-during-your-day-because-you've-run-out-of-other-stuff-to-talk-about kind of convo, in which case, why would she judge you for them? *puzzled*

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

Well, see, it's subtle, but I am required to call her the moment I get home from work and she more or less always needs to know where I am and what I am doing. (To a point, its not totally toxic, but is a bit) So the expectation is that I'll tell her everything I've been up to. Which on one hand is a totally innocuous 'hey what have you been up to' but is somehow slightly more 'tell me all the things.'

Part Motherhood, part East German dictatorship. LOL

[carolyn-claire.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. That...isn't really okay? Especially the 'required' part. Or do you mean 'required' as in is lonely and misses you and you have a great, close relationship with her and her feelings will be hurt if you don't treat her like a confidant the same way you did in high school? In which case, still not entirely healthy on her part, but I can see why you might be more reluctant to do the breaking away thing, in that case. Speaking as a fairly protective, involved mom of two girls who are now grown women, myself, I can say from experience that the letting go process that happens on both sides when a daughter grows up is much more healthy than hanging on, for both parties. It's the circle of life, and all that. *dances* Beware mother love's tyranny! For, sometime, that is what it is. If you want to move away from the daily phone calls and the feeling that you're expected to describe and justify every part of your day, you can do that. She'll get over it, I promise. She'll even be better for it. *pats*

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

Ideally. Yes. But Mom is an Olympic level worryer, and the once a day phone call is a vast improvement from the twice a day phone call.

Its always a weird push pull between 'call me the minute you get home' and 'do interesting things so we have something to talk about' ...

So yeah, its not good to be raised to understand at a near cellular level that one does not upset Mother ... but its a bit better than its sometimes been ... we've reached some sort of compromise. mostly!

Ironically I remember very clearly my Mom being totally frustrated with HER mother after she was widowed and called Mom a zillion times a day ... ;)

[carolyn-claire.livejournal.com]

Some of us do have a really hard time letting go. We've been responsible for our children for so long, it can be really hard to give up that pattern of thinking. With parenting responsibility comes worry, though; once we go through the process of accepting our children as adults and their fates not being in our hands anymore, we actually start worrying less. She doesn't know it yet, but undergoing that process will be as good for her as it is for you. Anxiety really does decreased with the perceived decrease in responsibility, once we truly allow it to happen. Some of us require more help going into it, through our kids insisting on their own competence and independence, than others do, though. My (almost) son-in-law has had a heck of a time with his own mother; she guilt-trips him like crazy, and then my daughter and I have to talk him down. She's finally getting a clue and getting better about it, though. Part of the problem can be not having any real, substantive interests of our own after the kids are gone and having to confront that. It's a tough process, but a healthy one, and something that has to happen. So, yeah, go ahead and upset Mother, when you feel the need. It's okay, and it doesn't make you a bad daughter, at all.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

It's a lovely thought, and probably the better way to be of course, but I doubt either of us has the energy to deal with the ensuing panic attacks (her) and the ensuing guilt (me)!

But it's something to work towards ... possibly. with wee wee tiny baby steps!