bluecastle: (mary janes)
I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately. That Making Space class I took last month has a private facebook group and there was a post from one of the women about trying to love her legs, so she'd taken a picture. Lots of people joined in. Then there were belly pictures from women learning to love that bit of them. Then a bunch of boob pictures. And I just kept reading the discussions, and looking at all these brave real women, and thinking about how I don't really think I've ever actually felt beautiful in my whole life.

The best I can manage on a good day when looking in the mirror is "pretty okay" or "kinda cute." And wow isn't that sad.

I always come back to the story of how when my teacher mother woulld tell me her students asked "is your daughter pretty?" (and lets unpack why they even cared...) she would say "she's ok."

So yeah, I never got the "your beautiful" message from anyone else, and certainly I never learned to see it in the mirror.

But I'm trying. One thing I did recently was to use one of my private boards on Pinterest to pin up pictures that make me feel what I think feeling beautiful feels like. And at this point in my journey, I'm challenging myself to include lots of pictures of plush curvy women. Beauty as a concept is such a nebulous thing, and its hard to really figure out what it is about these pictures I'm assembling that does it for me. But its nice to have a collection of lovely juicy images to get my brain going in some sort of positive direction.

More work to do. Lots of self portraits to explore. Hairdos to explore (hey I got out my flat iron last night and tried to do a little something with my hair this morning... ). But it can't hurt to give myself a little shot of inspiration, right?
bluecastle: (inception a/e)
Today has been like magic day. Woke up rested. This is seriously the best thing ever and something that happens only maybe half a dozen times a year for me. Ate breakfast in bed.

(note to self. do post on my new breakfast ritual(s). seriously life changing. anyway...)

Dropped my car off at the garage and my dad picked me up and took me to work. So I arrived here early.

Had a morning meeting that got moved a day earlier and went FAR more smoothly than I thought it would. YAY.

Garage called to say my car was fixable and it was only going to be a couple hundred bucks. (not great, but doable.) Then they called back like an hour later to say the car was fixed and ready for pick up.

My afternoon meeting got scrapped after about 10 minutes as we couldn't access any of the software we needed to create the training documentation.

I don't want to jinx anything, but today has just been .... easy I guess is the right word. Non stressful. And I have no idea why. Taking my car in is ALWAYS stressful. So YAY for a GOOD day. To celebrate I bought myself an M&M cookie at lunchtime!

YAY for good days with cookies!
bluecastle: (mary janes)
Back at work today after my week off. Man I have forgotten so quickly how to sit at a desk all day! Work is literally a pain in the neck today. But I'm sure I'll settle in soon. Hopefully. I hear through the grapevine there was a bit of an insurrection last week with the 'new guy whose about to leave' vs. new!boss. Have yet to hear anything officially but will keep eyes and ears open!

Last week's vacation was so needed, and coming off my two week Making Space class/cleanse was so restoring. Just making space to sit in a quiet peaceful house was so terrific. I'm so addicted. I've already signed up for the August session focusing on Joy. Hopefully that will carry me through this month and keep me motivated. It's just too easy for me to let things slip away. I don't even know what about this last session made SUCH a big difference, but I'm groovin' on it, whatever it was :)))

90 more minutes 'til I can call today done. Maybe I can brainstorm ideas for my summer Lewis story instead of doing work work??? LOL
bluecastle: (sherlock and john b/w)
pebbles drop. ripples spread. baby steps.

this making space class is just rippling out throughout my life.

unsticking the stuck energy. figuring out how you want to FEEL before you figure out what to do.

oh yeah baby. for a highly sensitive empath like me its just amazing.

case in point. last week we had to pick one area of our house that was bugging us, and then think about how we wanted that space to feel and function. My computer and office space at home is a mess, and so stuff like bill paying never gets done until it absolutely has to and I am never on my computer any more because the piles of junk are encroaching etc etc.

so I made a Pinterest board of inspiring office spaces, and I have plans for that area of my home. And I realized after looking at a bunch of awesome desks/office areas that part of my problem was that I hate working where I have to stare at a wall.

as I was sitting here in my office at work pondering all this, and dealing with a frustrating work day where meetings never happened and various annoyances, I just couldn't take it any more. an hour later and I have swapped my computer over to the other "leg" of my L shaped desk so that now I am typing and looking out the door of my office. The monitor is in the corner of the desk now (which might be an issue having my head turned to one side a lot but we'll see). Also should anyone show up in my office door I can now see them and interact! The other side of my desk has my desk blotter and pens and my phone.

why this seems revolutionary I'm not sure. and I'm sure I'll be tweaking things. but man did I need this energy shift. who would have thought moving my keyboard and monitor 2-3 feet would feel so good!

bluecastle: (tommy hands)
So I've been taking this AWESOME 10 day sort of soul and home clearing "class" for these days leading up to the summer solstice. These tiny baby steps of soul work have been great, but today was a bit of a pause day, asking us to think about gratitude and mornings (we've talked a lot about how to make mornings work for us. life changing really) and well... I've pretty much always had a terrible time with mornings. I'm slow to wake up, I'm disinclined to get out of bed, I kind of don't want to recognize any time before 10 a.m. etc... So I'm reading along with things that all basically say mornings are a gift ... each new day is a gift etc... and the sarcastic wench in my head said

"yeah, each new day is yet another chance to fuck it all up."

Which I sort of laughed off inside my head but I keep hearing that Mjolnir type thunder crack I heard after I heard those words in my head.

I still don't know if it was just random bad thought, but I suspect there is some truth there ... that every morning I greet myself with an unconcious "ok today's the day it all goes tits up!" message and then try and crawl back under the covers forever. And oh god no. DNW.

So. Will have to sit with this thought I don't know what in the hell to do with. But I suppose its a good thing to ponder.

bluecastle: (mary janes)
this is why my mother drives me bonkers. she just called me at work to get me to explain a picture I posted on Facebook.

this morning was the start of a 10 day making space "class" I'm taking, and our class eve project was to make a space to start our day in, and then take a picture and share. not being able to figure out posting a picture to a group from my itouch before 10am I posted it to my feed and then shared it on the group. A couple people "liked" it. My mother called and made me explain why I was posting a picture of my bed.

I had thought I might use my new eating nook for this morning's welcoming space, but I ended up going back to bed with my yogurt and blackberries while I watched the first day's video and did my morning inspirational reading from a book I'm working my way though. Which I what I took a picture of.

But then there were 5,000 questions. What was that? Was that your bed? Is that a milkshake? Did you have breakfast in bed? On a weekday? I thought you always ate at the office?????? Why are you posting this? Is there something I'm missing??

Okay so maybe its a bit weird to take a picture of one's own breakfast in bed on a weekday ... but seriously? The third degree?

Welcome to my wacky world! ;)
bluecastle: (sherlock couch)
Ironically I woke up feeling reasonably rested and right with the world. Its just I hate my job right now so coming in to work isn't the bestest thing ever.

But as I was lying in bed half awake this morning I had this vision for the back half of my kitchen. There's this dead space between the back door that leads in from the garage, and the start of the kitchen counters. Right now its just full of crap. But I suddenly saw myself moving out the crap and moving in a small table, laying a cute vintage table cloth and using it to eat at. I am bad at eating at the table, usually preferring to eat in front of the tv, but I also know that once I collapse into my chair, I'm not likely to leave it for any length of time. And since my craft stuff has taken over the dining room table ...

It's generally a good idea for me to pay attention to myself when I've seen these little flashes of inspiration. I'm taking a self-care class right now and really working through things that improve my life and things that don't. This seems like a place to start. And given I'm catless now, I can do fresh flowers on the table. So this might be happening soon. Maybe not tonight as I can't put off mowing my lawn any more.

Managed to put it off last night by going to see Now You See Me after dinner with the parents. It was great fun, and lots of great Ruffalo stuff -- which was mostly the reason I wanted to see it anyway :) Although I do love a caper film! It is however the kind of film that requires a rewatch once you know the twist/ending!!

Okay back to trying to make myself do stuff I don't want to do ... and pondering whether I'm brave enough to start making regular trips to the local public pool. I crave time in the water, and maybe I can convince myself that a couple evening a week at the pool is doable!! I went once last summer and it was okay. But its the perfect intersection of body issues, introvert issues, and procrastination issues!!!


May. 30th, 2013 01:24 pm
bluecastle: (mary janes)
How much do I NOT want to be at my job lately, let me count the ways.

Although let's face it, it mostly boils down to my new boss (how long until new boss isn't actually new anymore?) has me doing web page edits and working with one of her employees, and I really really don't like doing the web stuff so I'm being all toddlery and pitching a hissy fit in my head and stomping and going DONT WANNA all of which isn't helping. But its really hard to make myself approach a thing I don't want to do with a positive attitude. Which makes me three years old, I know, but there it is.

Suspect I am some combination of burnt out and in need of a long vacation and sort of depressed-under-the-radar post cat. Like I don't FEEL depressed ... but I have a lot of the side effects/symptoms... mostly being tired a LOT. And a lot more crabby that usual.

Adding to all this fun, the heat is off in our end of the building this week and so it's 66 degrees (F) in my office, and 80+ degrees outside. So my sinuses are super happy and the rest of me is huddled into a ball in my office and wishing to be anywhere but here.

On the plus side I took myself to see Star Trek: Into Darkness last night. I may never stop hearing Benedict saying in that gravelling panty-wetting voice "Shall we begin..." :))) Over all it was totally predictable but come on, I wasn't there for teh PLOT :) LOL I really want to go and watch the first one again. But it was fun and I got a box of gummy bears to munch on. Oh and bonus Noel Clarke was nice!

I bought myself The Hobbit the other night at walmart ... maybe this weekend is a good time for a Benedict and Martin fest :))

I think kitten!Jinxy had the right idea :))

bluecastle: (mary janes)
that I had to have my Jinxy put to sleep last week. I've sort of shared the story piecemeal, but I suppose I should pull it all together here in one place.
cut for sads and medical details... )

And I think I shall take a break from being a pet mama for a while. My poor battered heart needs a bit of a break. But Jinxy was equal parts adorable and OMGWHATDIDYOUDO?! and I will miss his little face.
bluecastle: (tommy hands)
I have to go and bury myself inside a spreadsheet in a few minutes but I keep trying to put it off through various ways and means and I figure posting a post qualifies ...

Work is bonkers. And I am bonkers. I seem to alternate between wanting to scream loudly or crawl under my covers and never come out. I do not know what happened to what little equilibrium I used to have. I'm ready to itch out of my skin all the time. If I'm going to turn into a werewolf or something could it just happen already? I do not like being this out of control.

I'm used to being sad and mopey. This being borderline irritated all the time needs to go away soonest. I don't know if its work stuff being up in the air, getting used to my new supervisor, some phase of the moon, wacky brain chemistry, or mixed flavors thereof but UGH. WOE.

Touch-starved and over stimulated at the same time. Oh self you are wonderfully wacky.

Breathes in and out. Drowns self in Tumblr pretties. OK Spreadsheet ... let's get it on...


Apr. 11th, 2013 11:52 am
bluecastle: (mary janes)
It's sort of nice and sort of worrying when your co-workers greet you in the morning with the phrase "I'm glad you decided to come back to work today."

See, I had a calm two days and then all hell broke loose as we're going to be moving stuff, and probably our whole department before everything is said and done as the weight bearing studies came back with a diagnosis of TOO MUCH STUFF! So naturally facilities and panicking and wants everything moved YESTERDAY and we're trying to do what we can but in a more measured way so that people will still have access to stuff... But as I'm just transitioning into my collection management duties, a lot of the updating and co-ordinating is going to fall on me to make sure that the catalog accurately reflects where stuff is. Oh joy. It's job security at least, right?!

On the plus side I have charging in my office a 1st gen iPad now which I was sort of given. I don't really have access to what gets put on it, but I can use it for mobile note-taking and hopefully access to google docs/spreadsheets etc. And if I occasionally take it home to watch youtube videos on, no one will be any the wiser ... :) And maybe I can weasel the password out of our faculty member who's been keeping them.

But now back to wading through the 8000 pieces of paper on my desk...
bluecastle: (tommy smile)
So after this latest attack of billiousness that my friend told me is probably my gall bladder (and the internets seem to agree) I've been trying to eat better. I need to do that anyway ... but attempting to limit the fatty stuff and eat a lot of vegetables (Spoiler:  I DON"T LIKE VEGETABLES) and drink lots of water and fruit juice. I had a nice salad and some triscuits for lunch. But I'm still really hungry!!

Was productive this morning but finding it tough to get back to doing useful things this afternoon.

Watched the much hyped episode of SVU last night. Was mostly bored. Fine performances and all, but how many more Bad Seed episodes does the world need? I know baby serial killers are all the rage right now, but there was nothing new here. I did lol when Dr. Huang asked the kid, basically, who he wanted to be when he grew up and the kid said Bane! (And some guy with laser eyes.) It was nice to see Dr. Huang back, but it hardly seemed worth it for a couple minutes of screen time.

Hoping to get to the movies tonight to see Quartet. I've been trying to get there ever since I saw it was finally playing in the regular theater... what's not to love about quirky English people in a retirement home? I'm certainly not one to pass up a film where the cast includes Maggie Smith, Tom Courteney, and Billy Connolly among others... :)) If I take along a handful of swedish fish to nibble on maybe I won't miss the oh so bad for me popcorn?

yeah. so. still hungry. *eyes chocolate*
bluecastle: (bookmarks)
Okay this is just weird. This morning or yesterday I found myself idly wishing for a workplace where people go out for drinks after work sometimes. Just in a stray thought kind of way, probably in reaction to some story/show where it happens and I thought "hey that would be nice."

And just now, today, I get a department email saying "hey anyone up for drinks after work on Friday?" In my year and three quarters here in this department its the first email of its kind that I've gotten.


Also cue the "yes but they don't really mean ME thoughts" that occur everytime I'm included in a group invite.

Busy Busy day here. Things to get done and a candidate in for our one remaining unfilled Faculty position.

But it's Wednesday so that means chicken and dumplings in the cafe ... and I'm wearing a cute new dress. So I think that balances out the busyness, yes?
bluecastle: (tommy smile)
So in between being attacked by my cat repeatedly this morning, I was lying there in bed looking at Tumblr pictures of Tom Hardy and the Animal Rescue puppy Rocco and actualfax squealing with the cuteness. I can't even deal with the adorableness of it all. Adding to the delightfulness, the puppy has a new quilted jacket with a hood. What with the natty purple striped sweater from last week that dog has a better wardrobe than Tom's character in the film :))

Work's better now that angsty annual evaluation stuff has been tackled, my part of it anyway. I'll be back to freaking out when I get the eval back with comments from my supervisors. And its stupid really. I freak out every year and then they have nice things to say and then I can calm the heck down. Meanwhile I'm back to making up things to do. It's yet ANOTHER transition period. We've gotten final permission to hire the third staff member at last and so we're on track to getting things streamlined, and giving everyone actual job descriptions and maybe we can start to get this department back on track and fully functioning. And then I can start into my collection maintenance stuff full time. Hooray!

Meanwhile just plugging away at this month's self-portrait class. Hard to imagine I've taken a self portrait almost every day for the last two months. It's a powerful process I can't recommend enough.

Been journaling more and am working on a puppy inspired fic that is taking shape ... but as usual isn't behaving the way I want it to, so I'm trying to go with it and see what happens.

So y'know ... keeping on keeping on. Now will it please please pretty please STOP SNOWING?????
bluecastle: (sherlock and john b/w)
So like HI! It's been a while, huh?

Work has been crazeballs since the start of the Spring Semester in January but things are starting to calm down fractionally since the new hire started last monday. Previously I had been trying to do three people's jobs. Now I just have to do two ... and hopefully in another couple of months, they'll make good on their promise to hire a third staff member and then I can just have my own job to do. They're trying to phase me into being what I've been calling "Collections Sherpa" ... mostly collection maintenance. There's roughly a million volumes my area of the library is responsible for, and they need someone to look after them. Weed the old stuff, send the broken stuff for repairs, move volumes around... and a bazillion other things. It's exciting but also slightly terrifying to be responsible for so many items, but if I never have to do web page stuff again, I'll TAKE it!

Spent 48 hours in a hotel room in New Jersey last weekend. Which sounds like it could have been a dirty weekend, but was simply a business trip with a lot of boxed Shiraz. :) I guess I can say MY theater company now that I'm on the board ... got us a room, and we met up with the NY/NJ half of the board and talked about long term planning and short term grant proposals. Still blows my mind that I work with a professional company that works in and around NY. Mostly what keeps the company going is in-school arts in education workshops and residencies. Then we have the free street theater we do here and there with the help of grant monies (coming soon to Bayonne, Seacaucus, and ... somewhere else, Jersey City maybe? ... my notes are at home ;)) Then we also work on developing new pieces like those productions we did locally with the Venetian poetry, and the other one using pieces written by local women writers. Plans are to keep working the Venetian piece as its wonderful (and we made those 15 gowns in one weekend so we might as well use them ;) and to dust off a piece on Freedom ... as what better time than now to do a piece that opens up discussions about the nature of freedom!!

So more theater to come. Also I have to decide if I'm going to local community theater auditions tomorrow/Friday. They've moved into the Performing Arts Center this year, so fewer performances but a much bigger house. Also air-conditioning. And fewer bats. But less ambiance than a 200 year old barn. I haven't even looked very closely at what shows they're doing. But I do have to look at dates and see when I'm free before I decide on auditions.

Otherwise I'm mostly just squee-ing over the 221 B set rebuild ... and those pictures of Tom Hardy cuddling a puppy. And working my way though the Battlestar Galactica reboot. I'm in the first half of season two right now and loving it. I love world building. :)

So that's me. What's everyone else been up to?
bluecastle: (l&h reading)
Hello annual day of Poetry Out Loud!!

Five contestents this year, 3 girls and 2 boys. Most other years its been girls only ...

One of the boys sort of melted down he was so nervous, stumbled through his first two poems, and only got halfway through his third before giving up. Poor thing.

The way the competition works is that the kids are given a slate of poems to choose from, and they have to pick three to recite. They have to memorize them, and points are deducted for any mistakes, and if they have to call for a line.

We had six judges this year, which was good. And this year for the first time it was held at the best little bookstore in the world (tm. also. biased. ;)

I'm pretty sure the girl who won also won last year...

But the winner of this regional competition goes to the state capitol next month to compete at the Governor's residence for the state championship.

And while the scores are being tabulated (as the phrase goes) there's an open mike and anyone in the audience can get up and read a poem ... no pressure and no memorization required. Usually there's some kid(s) who want to read stuff they wrote, but we didn't have any of those this year. But a few kids did read/recite and that was great!!

It's such a wonderful thing to see these kids do something I NEVER could have done when I was their age!! And to hang out with my friends and be given oodles of candy and coffee and lunch and have my parking validated and be generally appreciated for helping out. A perfect Valentine's Day morning.

I always end up with a headache though. I think I absorb the kid's nerves. But it's waning now. Came home and rested for a bit, and then just posted a little Valentine's Drabble for the [ profile] lewis_challenge.

"Care to meet tomorrow at half-one? I'll bring the tea." (100 words) by valancy_joy
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Lewis (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: James Hathaway, Robert Lewis
Additional Tags: Friendship, Drabble
Summary: The only thing mushy here is the peas. This may or may not be true.

Lots of love around here today, even if my cat hates me because I won't let him chew on my mouse cord. ;)))

bluecastle: (mary janes)
Well now I feel equal parts pleased and shitty.

Our morning part time person (sort of half time as she works all weekday mornings), who didn't get the job here which she really really really wanted told me this morning over tea (DOUBLE BERGAMOT. it's awesome :) that she'd had coffee with our department head post job announcement (I knew this, and was glad he had time to take her for coffee and talk to her) that as part of that she'd told him what a great job she though _I_ was doing and how underutilized she thought I was and that they had a treasure they needed to take advantage of etc etc.... 

Which. WOW. *blushes* *wonders how to accept compliments gracefully* but also CRAP. I feel really bad that she had all those nice things to say about someone who was partially responsible for her NOT getting the job she really wanted, (she had also been sort of groomed for by my previous supervisor (to no avail, clearly...).

In other news, still full of Lewis feels. Waiting to find right inspiration to write something canon-compliant. Otherwise have tiny bit written for a Lewis/His Dark Materials crossover, but am stuck on Laura's daemon. Granted I only ever read the first book so I am sort of vague on everything except people have daemons. That's enough, right? LOL

Also sidetracked by random thoughts that go like this: in a society more like our own, but where everyone has a daemon ... how would airplanes/airplane seats have evolved differently? Do daemon's get seats? Are the seats wider so one can sit with one's daemon? Oh the places my brain goes for something that's only vaguely related to what I was writing... 

So ... If you were Laura Hobson, what kind of a daemon would you like? :)
bluecastle: (mary janes)
So we did one of our staged radio shows (1951 this time) last night for a local Lion's Club's Valentine's dinner. Except for a VEEERY last minute change in venue it all went super well. They are SO MUCH FUN! 

Plus, dressing up:))

We had decided early on that if we split the fee four ways we'd only get a few bucks each so we agreed to club our money together and donate it to the local no kill pet shelter. Well my friend emailed us last night and said she'd make the donation herself and told the Lion's to put our fee towards a local literacy charity. So we helped out two local groups last night. 

It's win-win. We have fun, and we do good for others. What could be better???

Happy making. 

Am resisting checking youtube endlessly to see if the last (SOB) Lewis is up yet. If its up by lunchtime I will not be able to resist. Given that the cast have said they'd consider coming back for some one off's in the future maybe I can't think they'll do anything drastic... but I want these lovely characters to end up in a happy place. So. Nervous. From some fandom comments, I think I'll be okay with things, but post-Ianto I'm always super nervous when it's characters I really like...

Off in a bit to cover the desk for one of our part-timers who seems to be off more than she's here. But it'll get me out of my office so I'm not really complaining.

Happy Tuesday!!
bluecastle: (mary janes)
So yesterday was the first hard day in my self-portrait class. Nothing brings out the insecurities like being asked to take a picture looking right into the camera. I got a picture that wasn't the greatest, but there was something THERE when I looked at myself, so I posted it, and HELLO second round of insecurities. We're encouraged to look at the other pictures in the group and post comments and whatnot, and when I looked at the day's accumulated photos I saw a lot of wonderful people looking back at me. And rationally I know my picture is just one of many ... but I saw all of them looking wonderful ... and I saw myself looking like a big blotchy pink marshmallowy pig eyed blob. 

It's not a new thing. I've always more or less despised the way I look (the way I THINK I look anyway). It's part of the reason I'm taking this class. To see if I can shake things loose and start to see myself differently. Hoping I can. But its an interesting exercise to bump up against you larger insecurities and try and quiet the noises in your head. 

Given the comments and other's pictures ... I know I'm not alone in feeling like this, and that always helps a bit too. 

Today's prompt is "reflections" so that should be somewhat less traumatizing for all of us :)

Not much on my calendar for today, which gives me plenty of time to ponder this possible His Dark Materials cross-over I'm toying with attempting. It's the damn world-building you have to do first ... giving everyone daemons and whatnot is fun, but also you can't really write until you do it. As usual I have several lovely images in my head, but how to write a story around them ... ???
bluecastle: (mary janes)
Between Laurence Fox hilariously tweeting about now being able to marry his "Donald." (His pet name for Kevin Whately for some reason I missed but is likely to be cheeky ... ;) and the new Lewis showing up on the Tube of You ... its a very Lewis day. Can't wait to get home and watch 7.05 ... although these two part episodes are very annoying!!

Work has been a bit slower the last couple of days. So that's good, gives me a chance to breathe.

Got word first thing this morning that our top pick accepted the job, so next month there will be TWO staff members in this department, and I can stop having to try and fill in and do bits of everything!

We have a new radio show next Monday night -- 1951 this time -- and then I get to take next Thursday off and help out with the local Poetry Out Loud competition ... this year being held at my favorite bookstore :) So I get to start Valentines Day with friends and poetry and that should hopefully take some of the sting out of the evil day designed to make singletons feel bad about themselves. (ymmv :) 

Loving my self-portrait class, although I'm not entirely sure how to feel about a comment from yesterday where someone told me my picture brought tears to her eyes. One one hand ... WOW ... otoh, its just a picture of my hands behind my desk. Mostly because I needed the desk edge to prop my iTouch on to take the picture. I need an iPod tripod, stat! 

Today's prompt is "stillness or movement" so we'll see what I managed to come up with when I get home, unless inspiration strikes in the very near future. Also its been fun to play with my photos on Instagram. And now with the Flickr app ... I don't know that I need to re-blog my pictures. just seems like an extra step that's not necessary... 

Not doing much about it ... but putting a lot of thought into that word "necessary" lately... 

Hang in there anyone who's drowing in grey skies and snowstorms like me....


bluecastle: (Default)

January 2015

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