musings...
Mar. 21st, 2012 11:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bluecastleThis (new) job keeps amazing me in ways small and large. Yesterday I basically got permission from the uberboss to forge his signature if I ever really needed to. He didn't even look at the paperwork I gave him yesterday spending hundreds of the library's money because "he trusts me."
It's so weird. My brain doesn't really know how to cope with a world where people LIKE me.
I'm starting to think that's the end result of 20+ years of bullying.
Elementary school was, as I remember it vaguely okay, except it must not have been a picnic 'cause that's when I learned to lie about feeling sick so I could stay home from school. I don't have any particular memories of being picked on other than some vague games of "keep away" on the playground and being dumped off the see saw, but I also didn't really have friends either.
Then we moved over the mountains and middle school (grades 6-8) was a fucking nightmare. Verbal abuse. A little physical abuse. Shunning. Threats. Crying every damn day.
High school was marginally better, the closer to graduating I got, but there was still a fair amount of horribleness.
By college I'd lost (or never had) the ability to really make friends. I remember sitting in class on my 21st birthday thinking "normal people have friends that take them out for their 21st." But I HAD no friends at that point. Not really. Plus I lived at home all but one year, and was taking the bus to school and home, so there wasn't a way for me to stay at school past 5:30 w/o someone coming to fetch me, so that rather nixed any possibility of a social life.
Mostly it's been community theater that's brought me my friends. Although a lot of them are my friends only in the sense that when I see them at other places/functions we have a good time. There's only a handful of them who would ever contact me and say "hey lets do dinner or a movie or whatever."
Anyway ... not a whine or moan ... just ... it's hard for me to know how to navigate a world where the default is people liking other people. Mostly what I've know all my life was the opposite.
It's a lot to wrap one's head around. Especially when one's head is aching more days than not lately!
It's so weird. My brain doesn't really know how to cope with a world where people LIKE me.
I'm starting to think that's the end result of 20+ years of bullying.
Elementary school was, as I remember it vaguely okay, except it must not have been a picnic 'cause that's when I learned to lie about feeling sick so I could stay home from school. I don't have any particular memories of being picked on other than some vague games of "keep away" on the playground and being dumped off the see saw, but I also didn't really have friends either.
Then we moved over the mountains and middle school (grades 6-8) was a fucking nightmare. Verbal abuse. A little physical abuse. Shunning. Threats. Crying every damn day.
High school was marginally better, the closer to graduating I got, but there was still a fair amount of horribleness.
By college I'd lost (or never had) the ability to really make friends. I remember sitting in class on my 21st birthday thinking "normal people have friends that take them out for their 21st." But I HAD no friends at that point. Not really. Plus I lived at home all but one year, and was taking the bus to school and home, so there wasn't a way for me to stay at school past 5:30 w/o someone coming to fetch me, so that rather nixed any possibility of a social life.
Mostly it's been community theater that's brought me my friends. Although a lot of them are my friends only in the sense that when I see them at other places/functions we have a good time. There's only a handful of them who would ever contact me and say "hey lets do dinner or a movie or whatever."
Anyway ... not a whine or moan ... just ... it's hard for me to know how to navigate a world where the default is people liking other people. Mostly what I've know all my life was the opposite.
It's a lot to wrap one's head around. Especially when one's head is aching more days than not lately!
