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Sep. 15th, 2011 01:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bluecastleI often ponder the line between loyal and well, doormat.
See, I have/used to have this BFF. When we were doing plays together we saw each other every day. Then he went off and did shows with other people, and we only saw each other occassionally, and then and then ... school, life, work, relationships (his) etc.
Well, I have only heard from him once in MONTHS via a Facebook post to my wall of not more than two sentences. He's happy to post on FB about all the stuff he does at school (he teaches, and he's VP of the Union), all the trips he takes with his ex-GF, and whatnot.
And its not like I'm drawing a line through anything, but I just don't see that we have any place in each other's life any more, and that makes me sadface. Also, if out of the blue he said, hey lets have dinner, it would be fine, and we'd gel like we always do, but I am tired ... so tired ... of being expendable.
So he's in a box in the back of my brain/heart/self right now. Or I'm trying to put him there. Am I wrong to want my friends to be people who actively WANT to engage in my life? How long can I give w/o getting anything in return?
Yeah. I kind of don't want to do that anymore. I'm not sure I can get my heart to stop hurting every day as I miss him a lot, but it feels like there's no point to it anymore. Were that it was as simple as unchecking the "best friend" ticky box and then clicking on "casual acquaintance."
Sigh. I feel like a bad person when I'm not happy, but I'm just not of late, and this is one of the reasons why...
But I survived rehearsal last nigth w/ pianist (barely, oh my throat is not in any shape for this singing lark), auditions tonight for the Venetian thing, and performance tomorrow noon-ish at the Senior Center. We've put in a lot of sing-alongs. They always do anyway, so we might as well put them in the act :)) Then lunch -- maybe even pancakes -- with actual friends. Trying to hold on to the good stuff, though I feels very few and far between ...
See, I have/used to have this BFF. When we were doing plays together we saw each other every day. Then he went off and did shows with other people, and we only saw each other occassionally, and then and then ... school, life, work, relationships (his) etc.
Well, I have only heard from him once in MONTHS via a Facebook post to my wall of not more than two sentences. He's happy to post on FB about all the stuff he does at school (he teaches, and he's VP of the Union), all the trips he takes with his ex-GF, and whatnot.
And its not like I'm drawing a line through anything, but I just don't see that we have any place in each other's life any more, and that makes me sadface. Also, if out of the blue he said, hey lets have dinner, it would be fine, and we'd gel like we always do, but I am tired ... so tired ... of being expendable.
So he's in a box in the back of my brain/heart/self right now. Or I'm trying to put him there. Am I wrong to want my friends to be people who actively WANT to engage in my life? How long can I give w/o getting anything in return?
Yeah. I kind of don't want to do that anymore. I'm not sure I can get my heart to stop hurting every day as I miss him a lot, but it feels like there's no point to it anymore. Were that it was as simple as unchecking the "best friend" ticky box and then clicking on "casual acquaintance."
Sigh. I feel like a bad person when I'm not happy, but I'm just not of late, and this is one of the reasons why...
But I survived rehearsal last nigth w/ pianist (barely, oh my throat is not in any shape for this singing lark), auditions tonight for the Venetian thing, and performance tomorrow noon-ish at the Senior Center. We've put in a lot of sing-alongs. They always do anyway, so we might as well put them in the act :)) Then lunch -- maybe even pancakes -- with actual friends. Trying to hold on to the good stuff, though I feels very few and far between ...
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Date: 2011-09-15 06:44 pm (UTC)*HUGS*
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Date: 2011-09-16 12:36 am (UTC)I started my voice lessons and chorus up again. It makes me happy.