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bluecastleSince 1986 I have kept two letters from my friend Jymm locked in my cedar chest. Two letters from him at his college, to me at my college, written on ordinary notebook paper. Today being what it is, I thought I would share them with you. They are not earth-shattering in any way, except of course they are.
He lived for another ten years after these letters were written, before the pancreatic cancer proved fatal. So he's not here to tell his story. And all I have are his words to offer. [slightly redacted for identifying information] We were 20 years old here.
{Actually this first one is sort of adorable in the way that the matter in question is shoved into the middle of the letter like maybe I wouldn't notice or something...}
January 25, 1986
Dear Stephanie,
Hi. This is a letter from me. It's been a long two weeks; already it seems like two months. Now, I am fully resigned from RHA. Hallelujah! I have been studying more and partying more. This semester I am taking 3 (yes 3) art history courses -- I must be nuts. I dropped Principles of Econ. I because the prof. hit on me. (Well I'm not sure for sure but a girl I know in that class said that everyday in class he says he's "Gonna get that kid with the red hair for dropping his class." And when I gave him my drop slip, he said "I hope you're going to take my class again real soon!" I ran!
I mean it wouldn't be so bad if he were good looking but ugh he's ugly.
There's a guy that lives on my floor who just transferred from WACC. He roomed with (get this) Dave and Bill and Chris. AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!
{end of first page, letter continues on the back of the first piece of paper}
Steph -- there's something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time. You've been a really good friend to me and I haven't told you before because I was afraid of what might happen between us. I want you to know for sure. If you already haven't figured it out for yourself...I'm gay.
Now that that has settled in, I apologize. I didn't want to throw this on you like this. I have no guts or I would've told you in person. Basically I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose your friendship. However, if you don't want to talk to me or see me again, I understand.
By the way -- -- last Sunday -- we got 15 inches of snow & two power outages. Tonight Saturday, we are expecting 3-10 more inches. My friend Marc is sitting her watching me cry as I write -- duh! {I have no clue if he's talking about the gay thing, or the snow here :)}
All you wanted was a simple letter -- Never put the word "simple" past me. You'll get more than you bargained for.
I am now sitting here with Celeste. She reminds me of Diane. She even spins rifle and plays clarinet.
We -- Sharon, Me, Matt, Marc, Dave, Jill, Jenny, and Ed were playing Ouija.
My master/teacher is Barso the evil. We brought another Ouija named Peter.
They're fighting! My god I'm scaird (sp)!
More Later! Bye.
JDH
***
Now I don't have my response letter, but some of it can be inferred from his next letter, postmarked 3 Feb 1986. Interestingly, the 2nd letter's return address uses his drag name Cybille Flame where the first one just had his initials. :)
***
Sunday
'Tis me -- Dear Stephanie,
Joyous beginning, huh? Now that the initial shock of another letter from me has subsided, let's rap man!
Matt and I are watching "Peter the Great" while attempting to do homework. I became bored and decided to write a letter. Jodi has not written to me -- maybe "Dolly" has swallowed her whole. I think I'll wait till she tells me that she got the part herself before I mention or write anything.
I really appreciated your letter. When I received it -- I just stared at it for the longest time before opening it. Matt finally made me open it. A weight was lifted. I fully understand that it will take a while for you to get a grip on the idea. If you have any questions at all -- please feel free to ask me.
A favor of you -- please do not tell anybody. My parents and family must never know -- at least Mom and Dad must not know -- after they die, maybe I will tell the family -- but 'nill 'till then. You are the only [hometown] person who knows.
You cannot possibly imagine the burden that I've always carried around. Here at school I run into some negative reactions but mostly my friends remain friends regardless.
I came "out of the closet" -- if you will -- this year (fall of '85) [mark that on your calendar]
As far as people knowing about me -- a lot of people know.
Matt accepts it because he's gay too. Marc, my friend down the hall, encouraged me to write to you and said if you were my friend that you would still love me. (Jodi does not need to know presently). Tamy and Amy and Chris and Chris and Erich and Sharon and Rob and Jenny T and Jill and George and Brian and Paul and Jack and Jenny J and more, more, more {here there's an eighth note drawn, but I can't be arsed to look for the special character for that}
Just think Steph -- now when you and I go shopping or whatever -- we can both scope guys.
Guess what? A bunch of us have been talking to ... {long boring bit of Ouija stuff that is really tl;dr} My newest experiences with the Ouija have been very scary and eerie!
I am planning on coming home for districts but at this point -- it looks grim.
I was invited to a Valentines party on the 14th -- I don't know what to do. Possibly I can do the the "party of the year" then come home for the Saturday performance who know's -- also a friend from Edinboro is supposed to come down that weekend to being a transfer process.
I've been seriously considering transferring to Pittsburgh Beauty Academy to major in movie and theatrical cosmetology. Backstage at DYNASTY or GUIDING LIGHT would be outstandingly fabulous.
My writing is getting sloppier as my drugs take affect. Yes I'm sick.
Major influenza -- the doctor told me to sleep as close to 24 hours a day as I could -- I'll miss classes Monday and Tuesday -- the way I feel now. Who knows -- I may go to my 3 hour English class on Wednesday.
Bye for now --
Your friend
[large flourishing signature of his full name]
P.S. I love you!
***
As a point of biography, he ended up getting mono and dropping out of college and coming back home to live. He never went back. He did go to the LOCAL beauty school, but never did any professional hair cutting. He ended up working crap retail jobs for the rest of his life.
And thanks to some errant porn his parents did find out about him. His Dad never accepted it/him after that. His mother didn't approve but tried hard. She's still alive, although his Dad died a while back.
I have always been grateful that he found a great community for himself at college, however briefly he was there. I never met any of them except Matt his roomate. But re-reading this I am grateful to each and every one of them. He certainly didn't have much of a community when he moved back home. We had (and have) one gay bar in the college town, and the dance club used to have "alternative" nights on Sundays.
I don't really remember exactly WHAT I felt when I got that first letter. I don't think I knew he was gay. As I've written before I was incredibly naive/innocent back then. I am not even certain it would ever have occurred to me. It just wasn't on my radar screen.
But anyway, that's one boy's coming out story. I wish he were here to tell you about it himself. He'd have loved this online community thing. The internet was just starting to get going when he died. Oh the porn he's missed :D
This entry was originally posted at http://valancy-joy.dreamwidth.org/131423.html
He lived for another ten years after these letters were written, before the pancreatic cancer proved fatal. So he's not here to tell his story. And all I have are his words to offer. [slightly redacted for identifying information] We were 20 years old here.
{Actually this first one is sort of adorable in the way that the matter in question is shoved into the middle of the letter like maybe I wouldn't notice or something...}
January 25, 1986
Dear Stephanie,
Hi. This is a letter from me. It's been a long two weeks; already it seems like two months. Now, I am fully resigned from RHA. Hallelujah! I have been studying more and partying more. This semester I am taking 3 (yes 3) art history courses -- I must be nuts. I dropped Principles of Econ. I because the prof. hit on me. (Well I'm not sure for sure but a girl I know in that class said that everyday in class he says he's "Gonna get that kid with the red hair for dropping his class." And when I gave him my drop slip, he said "I hope you're going to take my class again real soon!" I ran!
I mean it wouldn't be so bad if he were good looking but ugh he's ugly.
There's a guy that lives on my floor who just transferred from WACC. He roomed with (get this) Dave and Bill and Chris. AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!
{end of first page, letter continues on the back of the first piece of paper}
Steph -- there's something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time. You've been a really good friend to me and I haven't told you before because I was afraid of what might happen between us. I want you to know for sure. If you already haven't figured it out for yourself...I'm gay.
Now that that has settled in, I apologize. I didn't want to throw this on you like this. I have no guts or I would've told you in person. Basically I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose your friendship. However, if you don't want to talk to me or see me again, I understand.
By the way -- -- last Sunday -- we got 15 inches of snow & two power outages. Tonight Saturday, we are expecting 3-10 more inches. My friend Marc is sitting her watching me cry as I write -- duh! {I have no clue if he's talking about the gay thing, or the snow here :)}
All you wanted was a simple letter -- Never put the word "simple" past me. You'll get more than you bargained for.
I am now sitting here with Celeste. She reminds me of Diane. She even spins rifle and plays clarinet.
We -- Sharon, Me, Matt, Marc, Dave, Jill, Jenny, and Ed were playing Ouija.
My master/teacher is Barso the evil. We brought another Ouija named Peter.
They're fighting! My god I'm scaird (sp)!
More Later! Bye.
JDH
***
Now I don't have my response letter, but some of it can be inferred from his next letter, postmarked 3 Feb 1986. Interestingly, the 2nd letter's return address uses his drag name Cybille Flame where the first one just had his initials. :)
***
Sunday
'Tis me -- Dear Stephanie,
Joyous beginning, huh? Now that the initial shock of another letter from me has subsided, let's rap man!
Matt and I are watching "Peter the Great" while attempting to do homework. I became bored and decided to write a letter. Jodi has not written to me -- maybe "Dolly" has swallowed her whole. I think I'll wait till she tells me that she got the part herself before I mention or write anything.
I really appreciated your letter. When I received it -- I just stared at it for the longest time before opening it. Matt finally made me open it. A weight was lifted. I fully understand that it will take a while for you to get a grip on the idea. If you have any questions at all -- please feel free to ask me.
A favor of you -- please do not tell anybody. My parents and family must never know -- at least Mom and Dad must not know -- after they die, maybe I will tell the family -- but 'nill 'till then. You are the only [hometown] person who knows.
You cannot possibly imagine the burden that I've always carried around. Here at school I run into some negative reactions but mostly my friends remain friends regardless.
I came "out of the closet" -- if you will -- this year (fall of '85) [mark that on your calendar]
As far as people knowing about me -- a lot of people know.
Matt accepts it because he's gay too. Marc, my friend down the hall, encouraged me to write to you and said if you were my friend that you would still love me. (Jodi does not need to know presently). Tamy and Amy and Chris and Chris and Erich and Sharon and Rob and Jenny T and Jill and George and Brian and Paul and Jack and Jenny J and more, more, more {here there's an eighth note drawn, but I can't be arsed to look for the special character for that}
Just think Steph -- now when you and I go shopping or whatever -- we can both scope guys.
Guess what? A bunch of us have been talking to ... {long boring bit of Ouija stuff that is really tl;dr} My newest experiences with the Ouija have been very scary and eerie!
I am planning on coming home for districts but at this point -- it looks grim.
I was invited to a Valentines party on the 14th -- I don't know what to do. Possibly I can do the the "party of the year" then come home for the Saturday performance who know's -- also a friend from Edinboro is supposed to come down that weekend to being a transfer process.
I've been seriously considering transferring to Pittsburgh Beauty Academy to major in movie and theatrical cosmetology. Backstage at DYNASTY or GUIDING LIGHT would be outstandingly fabulous.
My writing is getting sloppier as my drugs take affect. Yes I'm sick.
Major influenza -- the doctor told me to sleep as close to 24 hours a day as I could -- I'll miss classes Monday and Tuesday -- the way I feel now. Who knows -- I may go to my 3 hour English class on Wednesday.
Bye for now --
Your friend
[large flourishing signature of his full name]
P.S. I love you!
***
As a point of biography, he ended up getting mono and dropping out of college and coming back home to live. He never went back. He did go to the LOCAL beauty school, but never did any professional hair cutting. He ended up working crap retail jobs for the rest of his life.
And thanks to some errant porn his parents did find out about him. His Dad never accepted it/him after that. His mother didn't approve but tried hard. She's still alive, although his Dad died a while back.
I have always been grateful that he found a great community for himself at college, however briefly he was there. I never met any of them except Matt his roomate. But re-reading this I am grateful to each and every one of them. He certainly didn't have much of a community when he moved back home. We had (and have) one gay bar in the college town, and the dance club used to have "alternative" nights on Sundays.
I don't really remember exactly WHAT I felt when I got that first letter. I don't think I knew he was gay. As I've written before I was incredibly naive/innocent back then. I am not even certain it would ever have occurred to me. It just wasn't on my radar screen.
But anyway, that's one boy's coming out story. I wish he were here to tell you about it himself. He'd have loved this online community thing. The internet was just starting to get going when he died. Oh the porn he's missed :D
This entry was originally posted at http://valancy-joy.dreamwidth.org/131423.html
