bluecastle | wherein we peek at my brain.

So I'm seeing Avatar this afternoon with some friends. So of course the first question I ask myself (the first question I ALWAYS ask myself...) WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?

The second question that I ask myself doesn't surprise me, because I have looked into my brain ... is WAIT, WHY DO THEY WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE WITH _ME_???

You know that old Groucho joke about not wanting to be part of any club that wants him as a member? Something like that always goes on in my brain.

Given my life experiences ... I just don't trust anyone. I always end up asking myself, WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME?

Because clearly, the pleasure of my company is not sufficient reason for anyone to go out of their way to invite me to whatever it is. gah.

And this makes me sad.

My actress/seamstress friend is lovely. Her physics geek BF (with the unfortunate moniker BJ) is lovely. But then my brain whirrs around and starts to doubt why they would seek ME out to spend an afternoon with. Actually I don't know that there won't be other people there, it's just only been my name on the texts, or emails I've gotten about this.

I hate that I'm like this. I'll show up and it will all be fine (I hope) but God... I hate that my life has given me this level of damage.