decisions debated...

So it's not really a dilemma anymore since I've made my decision... but I have been spending much time mulling over a quandary.

A theater company I (mostly) respect, run by people I (mostly) like is/was [I don't actually remember] having auditions for their April production of "Our Town."

I can be pretty sure they would not have cast me in a major role. I am not really mother material, and what else is there for a woman of middle years? After 25 years of stage-managing I think I'm qualified to PLAY The Stage Manager, but I doubt this company would stretch so far from traditional casting. But I figure I would have had a pretty good chance of being cast as one of the ensemble. The wedding scene, and/or the graveyard scene are the kinds of scenes I have traditionally excelled at. I have been told for years that I make ensembles better by pushing my fellow actors up a notch. *shrugs*

BUT.

The guy they've got directing it is one of the co-artistic-directors... and while I find him interesting personally ... I HATE his directing style which is usually variations on either "I just can't quite put my finger on what you're doing wrong..." or "I require you to do this MY way regardless of your instincts."

The company does interesting work, not always well. I have stage managed for them numerous times. But I finally decided I do not choose to work in a situation which would make me unhappy and frustrated.

If I needed the work, it would be another whole discussion. But as this is my avocation, and something I do more-or-less on a volunteer basis (they usually throw some money at the actors depending on the box office take), I choose NO.

It's just bittersweet, as there's nothing I love more than getting together with a bunch of like minded theater pals and putting on a show. But increasingly, that experience has to be worth my investment of time and effort. My inner demons tell me I'm just getting all elitist and being all better than everyone else.

But "free time" is not really free, and more and more I have to make a choice about how I'm going to spend that time. I probably don't always make the wisest of choices. But I'm learning to choose... and I can't help but think that's the important bit.